badger

"I have been waiting for this game for quite a while!" Me thinking: "But I just recently bought a year pass to the aquarium... And there is no certainty of summer jobs..." "Hmm..." [I sigh as I put the game back.] Me thinking: "But the year pass will give me a lot of joy and I probably can get the game cheaper in autumn!" [ribbon says "responsible user of money"]

Destruction of mankind Some fatphobic: "Yeah, I want to get rid of all this shit in my body. Fats are totally the destruction of mankind." Me: "And destruction shall begin from that person."

"I will suck all of your will to live."

Some days: "Yeah, I don't feel like doing anything, but I could always check how many episodes of Bones I can watch in a row." Some other days: "Next thing, I will wash the walls!" [Scrub-a-dub-dub]

"How hammerhead sharks have even evolved? Or flounders?"

"As of late, I have been thinking the bad upbringing emotional abuse my parents gave me." "Someone might say I exaggerate, but I think things like shouting is not the right way to punish a child." "Problems with alcohol brought their own toll, of course. Agreements were forgotten, argues, breaking things. There is no visible bruising from emotional abuse." "I have not gotten very good supply for life" "It's kinda the same as if one was give a patch of rocky land by the arctic circle..." Someone: "You have to grow organic mangoes here." "...And one would be told to grow something challenging with weak resources." "I am not saying it would be impossible." "But it is damn hard!"

"In the Blues Brothers movie, there is a scene, where a nun smacks the brothers repeatedly for cursing." "But would it still be a 'funny' scene, if it was a priest smacking two cursing women?" "This makes me doubt my own sense of humor."

Someone shares deep personal things in the bus: [I am running away] Someone is gossiping in the bus: [I am most definitely interested.]

"Aphids in my plants!"

I went to a control visit to the doctor's. Doctor: "Yeah, these blood sugar levels are pretty high despite the meds." Me: "My dosage was raised. I also got something to lower my pulse and a med for my low mood." Me: "So, the morning's amount of meds is: 1 x mood medication 1 x blood pressure medication 1 x pulse lowering medication 2 x blood sugar lowering medication" Me: "In the evenings, I take birth control pill and again 2 x blood sugar lowering pills." (Also there are possible pain killers and allergy meds) I felt like I would certainly forget something. [details swirling around my head.] Me: "Ummm..." So I wrote a plan for taking care of myself. Me: "So, here I have a list of medicines I take in the morning and in the evening, and other things to remember." "Like not skipping breakfast." For morning medication, I bought a pill dispenser. Now it's really good to ration meds! Me: "Evening medication I remember and know without this dispenser!"

"I am upset that I seem not to be able to enjoy my friends' company like I used to." Party invitations have always been accepted with delight. Going to the actual party is a different thing altogether.

One day, in a party: Me: "I have been reading this daft vampire series." My friend Anna: "..." Me: "Silly names, no plot..." Anna: "I might have read the whole series..." Me: "YOU?!" We both: "Bad names! Awful plot! Shameful sex scenes! 'Diamond hard erection'!"

[I am taking trash out, when I notice the cardboard bin completely empty.] Me thinking: "A chance!" Me: "I have not been able to take the cardboards out for ages!"

"What the shit? They don't trust tenants THAT much that the laundry room could have power on by 8 am?" "I would so totes wash my laundry during the night, just to piss people off!" ~*~ Tämä osallistui myös piirroskisaan, jonka aiheena oli " Kun kansa on valistunutta, sille voi uskoa sen itsensä hallitsemisen"

Me: "Nothing amuses me and it seems like I have no energy to do anything." Me: "I wonder if yesterday sucked all of my energy?" I went to a depression nurse. Me: "Well, my parents are alcoholics..." And to a lingerie store supported by Eerika. Eerika: "It'll be fine!" Me thinking: "Amazing how stuff like that can tire a person out on the next day." At least I got stuff done. Depression nurse: "Visit my office a couple of times more, but we can look into that therapy." Me thinking: "I did not even remember how a proper, tight support feels like!"

The mind won't let me rest. And body feels like it's out of charge.

"I have not been well, but not unwell either." "I think it might be because of meds." "Creative things do not work." "But writing has not worked for quite some time, anyway."

"My blood pressure, pulse and blood glucose are on okay level!" "Now, if only we'd get my mood up and my weight down, things would be well." Me thinking: "And I would not personally mind that weight thing, but doctor and nurses keep lecturing me." Me: "We also had an anniversary on 19th of May." Santeri: "Nine years!" Me: "I had an epiphany about my relationship some time ago." At depression nurse: Me: "It grinds my gears when my boyfriend says we've grown distant." Depression nurse: "Have you asked if he wants to get closer?" Me: "..." [I get an epiphany] "A thousand dollar question!" "Halleluuujaaaaah!" "Ding ding ding!" Me thinking: "How come I did not think of that before?!"

"I have been busy." "For reals." [I snore and drool.]

Me: "I went to the dentist's check up some time ago. No cavities! (* (* I rejoiced too soon, there was one beneath the dental calculus. Dentist: "All your wisdom teeth have come in, but there has been space for them. Me: "Uh huh." Dentist: "For real, you never have had any fillings made?" Me: "Nope." Me: "I did not quite have the nerve to admit that sometimes I have taken lousy care of my arsenal." Some years ago: Me: "I can't manage..." Me: "But now I am going to take some better care! I have xylitol pastilles, dental floss, new toothbrush! I'll get to the dental calculus removal on August."

One day, I exited the shower: Me: "I must never become a docile, conforming woman."

[I am making a ham sandwich, while being creeped up by one who wants ham.]

Me thinking: "Something strawberry-flavoured would hit the spot..." [I notice a packet of flavoured condoms. Flavours include strawberry, vanilla, banana and celery.] Me: "Um..." Me thinking: "Maybe I'll get some strawberry ice cream."

Me: "I have done some night shifts." On Friday I had a day off. Me thinking: "The dentist appointment is at 11:20 am, I get to snooze a little." At 11:03 am Me thinking: "I overslept, then!" ...But I made it in time!

Me: "The finger joints of my right hand have started to ache." Me: "I am expecting the worst, of course." Me thinking: "Osteoarthritis, rheumatism..." Me: "But then again, the pain is not impossible. I have rested my hands a lot." "Osku takes care of me too." [Cat's purring while laying on my hand.] Me: "But should I be worried?"

There has been a lot of sleeping. Me: "I've seen lots of dreams." Adventure, thrills, special skills, romance Me: "I have to admit, my dreams have been a lot more exciting compared to real life." We'll see how my next night shifts go.

Sisältövaroitus: masennus, itsetuhoiset ajatukset Trigger warnings for depression and suicidal thinking Me: "Somehow I have often thought that being depressed is like being possessed." "One thinks thoughts that don't feel one's own." Me, depressed: "Mostly I am pissed off because of my shitty attitude, idiocy and tardiness. I would jump in that card board shredder myself, if it did not bring problems to others." Me: "It might scare my inner circle of people, and others deny its existence completely." Me: "It actually made me feel better to learn how the thing works on organ level. It has something to do with amygdala, stress hormone and developing brain." So, next time: Someone: "How can you be like that?!" Me: "Depr..." Someone: "Depression is whole lotta hooey! You have no reason to be depressed! It is only in your head!" Me: "My unstable childhood environment and unequal treatment in elementary school made my amygdala produce stress hormone non-stop, which damaged my developing brain! Of course it is in my head!" Someone: "Oh..." ETA// Mantelitumake on siis käskenyt jonkun toisen osan pöhöttää kortisolia oikein kunnolla, stressihormoni ei kehity itse mantelitumakkeessa. Amygdala has commanded some other part of my body to process a lot of stress hormone, it does not develop in the amygdala itself.

"Nothing interesting is happening in my life." "Except for my dry scalp." [I scratch my head.] Me: "I'm annoyed." "I bought a soothing shampoo from Lush." Me: "For its price, I hope it works." "It was pretty expensive stuff."

Me: "This thing came up late at night in a group chat. Question the price and quality of your meds." I was such a dork to eat the first prescribed birth control for many years. After many years, my blood pressure stood out as an issue. I was prescribed a mini pill, that is supposedly better for blood pressure. Me: "Well, I can't say much about that blood pressure, but..." [Author/Artist eats two different BP meds] There are other benefits. Sales clerk: "X euros, please!" Me thinking: "About half cheaper than my old birth control!" Me: "Then my periods stopped. It is a common side effect of my current birth control pill. I am not bothered, actually." Many other medicines can also be raced. Pharmacist: "Would you accept a similar, cheaper brand?" Me: "Yes, please!" I recommend discussing the price of medicines at the pharmacist's or the quality of the product at the doctor's office.

Kisatyö 1.12.2016

At the hospital after bloodworks: Me thinking: "A round post card!" Me: "Hmm." Me thinking: "I can't bend the corners of this one!"

Dream world: - Summer - A girlfriend very much in love - An amusement park - FREE!! ice cream Real world: - Time to rest - My own peace - Lovely boyfriend - Potato chips

Me: "Some weird visitor spike in my blog some week ago..." [I notice it is from reddit.com] Group chat: "It might be some proper discussion?" Me: "I hope so."

At work, around 09:17 am... Coworker: "And the poor baby was hiding behind the shower curtain..." Me: "Poor fella." Customer: "At which time you open?" Me and my colleague: "..." Customer: "Well, at what time you open on Sundays?!" Me thinking: "Is this a trick question?" Colleague: "A-at nine am!"

One night I woke up to a bad dream, that had themes of abandonment and rejection. Me: "Today, I awkwardly found out that my friends had gone to the movies together, and not asked me with them." Usually, I would not mind... ...But these were supposed to be my closest friends, and I have been suffering from loneliness.

Me: "If this fucking depression could ease up on me, that would be fucking nice!" Someone: "Have you taken your meds?" Me: "Well, I forgot. Shut up!"

Me: "I struggle with my inner Good Girl(tm) everyday." I feel bad, if I don't give my seat to the elderly, despite there being open seats available. I feel shitty, if I defend my right not to be touched. Someone: "Excushe meee..." Me: "Don't touch me or I will break your arm!" Someone: "Shorryy..." Me: "A Good Girl(tm) would have let old grudges go already..." Old ass sayings: "Smarter one ends the fight." "Be a good girl and forgive." "It is useless to dwell in the past." Me: "...Fuck that."

It happened on 14th of May, 2017, about a week before our 10-year anniversary. Santeri, on the phone: "Ah-I have been distressed and anxious and I want to break up..." Santeri, on the phone: "This is not your fault." Me: "I cried for two days about the break up. Luckily, I had people to talk to." Kata came from Hyvinkää to keep me company. Kata: "I will toss his things out from the balcony!" My group chat supported me. On the top of that, I seeked help from the local mental health chat. Chat: "How can I help?" Me: "Now I feel maybe even hopeful." I get my own space and an opportunity to live for myself only!

I am being social in the meet up of one of my roleplay groups.

[I hear someone urinating in the apartments above. Drizzling against the toilet bowl.] [Drizzling seems to continue forever.] Me: "Oh for the love of God, you drizzler! That is not normal, go seek medical help!"

It was my birthday on the 7th of August. Me: "I don't need a receipt!" [I write on the card.] [I drop the card in my mail slot.] Me: "Oh, what a surprise!"

Varoituksen sanana: Artikkelissa on itsevahingoittamis-ideoita, ja henkistä pahaa oloa. En ole vaaraksi itselleni, enkä muille. Warning: This article contains thoughts of self harm. I am not a threat to myself or to others. I tried to be hopefully positive in my hobbies. Me thinking: "Maybe I will get a lovely message tomorrow." I spoke about it in the forums too. Then I found out, people had misinterpreted my attitude. Moderator: "If you could be less passive-aggressive?" I tried to learn and adapt. Me: "For now on, I will try to acknowledge my behavior better!" But I ended up getting a panic attack, anyway. Me: "If positive hopefulness is not alright, what other choices do I have? Giving everyone some icy hard time?" Release me from this, or at least take the knives away!

Me, thinking: "Shitty walking weather!" Me thinking: "Fucking drivers!" [I notice a cat at the window of a cat hotel.] Me thinking: "Actually, this is a really good walk!"

Me: "Now that I have had regular income and my own space, I have decorated." My walls have been empty, so I framed some posters and hung them on the wall. Me: "Hmm." My nails did not bite the wall. Luckily, there are hanging strips. [They have an adhesive side and velcro-kind of side] Me: "They don't leave ugly marks!" Me: "I bought plants, too!" Me: "I had to place them both up my bookshelf, because Osku is a bad kitty." I added a string of led lights inside a plastic skull. And I got myself a colour changing ambient light.

Me: "I feel this is gonna be an easy day!" Customer 1: "Come cash me out!" Driver: "Come open the door for me!" Boss: "You have four trolleys to shelve!" Customer 2: "Come open the beer cabinets!" Me, thinking: "Oh no." ~*~ Inspas/Inspired by: http://webcomicname.com/

I am in bed, thinking: "What are my reasons to live?" 1. Osku would wait me hopelessly to return to home. 2. I promised Miia that we would visit one park in spring. Me: "Yeah, we could go..." 3. I would also love to see the birds' spring move.

Me: "It is not even February yet, and Valentine's day is distressing me." Me: "I am single. I probably won't be invited anywhere. No one is available, if I invite anyone." Me: "Valentine's treats are always loaded with sugar, so I can't even bake for myself..." Me thinking: "But what if I make a sandwich cake?" Me thinking: "And watch maybe a couple of splatter movies!"

Me: "It's no use! We will drown in this mess!!"

Me: "I have been single for almost a year now." "I went to dates with some guys last autumn. Another one never took any contact after the first date." Me: "And another one I fell out of contact with half accidentally. Oops." "Last time we met at Book Expo (2017). Then, in December, I focused in work, eating and sleeping." "So, the communication kinda was left out. Now in March, I don't have the guts to send messages." Me: "But then again, I guess he was not THAT into me, either." "I am a little worried, tho... What if I never fall in love again?" "What if no one falls in love with me?"

Vernal Equinox Me: "It's spring!" "...What the hell?!"

[some clattering] Me: "Ah, a hot cup..." "What's this?" Google: "gggggggggggggggghhhhhhhvvvvvvvvv"

The most relevant things from the Book Expo (2018): - Chocolates - Comics

Me: "I am not much of a Christmas holiday type of a person, but this year I'm gonna try." "I decorated a tabletop tree." "I was also thinking of making a pomander [pomme d'ambre], more commonly known as clove-orange." "Food ideas I am getting from holiday books and magazines." Me thinking: "I could bake some cookies, at least!"

When living alone, it would be nice if one's pet could tuck one in the bed.

Alternatives for hate speech and hateful messages 1. Learning a new language. [in Spanish] "Another gaze..." 2. Painting 3. Building birdhouses Me: "Do other bloggers have some more ideas for alternatives? You could draw some and link me?"

Measuring blood sugar levels Blood glucose meter: Sugar levels too high Me: "Am I doing this somehow wrong?" Some other day: Blood glucose meter: Sugar levels reasonable Me: "Am I doing this somehow wrong?"

Memorial for the people who've committed suicide, sometime during my childhood years: Parent: "Suicide is the most selfish thing." Me, at adult age: "And that's what I believed, too, until I got sick. Depression is one hell of a mental illness." Me: "Of course I can only talk about myself, but there are some things that help me." Routines Balanced diet Exercise Me: "And I have medication, of course." But sometimes, despite all of this, darkness fills the mind. My brains just do not produce enough pleasure and happiness hormones, or the effect is short. Me: "And well... Depression is not a choice, silly tosh, or laziness." Me: "The most distressing thing is when one does all the possible and it does not help." Me: "All depressed people do not even have healthy coping mechanisms. How does it feel to be a person, who feels no pleasure from ANYTHING?" Me: "And with all added blaming to top it." [someone is being pointed with fingers labeled as 'negative', 'selfish' and 'attention whore'. Me: "I don't even know where I am going with this comic." Me: "Umm, I guess my point was that we should treat ourselves and each other with compassion. Other depressed people: search for those healthy coping mechanisms. One day the sadness will end."

"Half a kilogram of gingerbread cookie dough, or the whole kilogram?" "Hmm. Hmmm." "I'll take the whole kilogram!" Later: "Note to self: half a kilogram is enough!"